This time last year... Surgery

I still remember waking up in a daze and seeing my surgeon. He said I probably wouldn't remember anything he was saying, but I still do. They couldn't remove the tumor, it was the worse of the two possible types of tumors. And the dread that filled me had nothing to do with losing some function in my leg, it was all the ugly underlying implications for my family. Implications that proved to be unfounded in the end, but they still packed a punch that day in the hospital bed! I remember Robert coming in and all I could cry about was "I can't feel my foot!" I didn't want to talk about what I was really afraid of.

I also remember that physical therapist that came to teach me how to use the crutches. He took one look at my puffy eyes and said "Hun, I see a lot worse than this everyday..." And I'd like to think that I usually have some sympathy for people who mean well but say the wrong things (because I usually fit into this category!)... but I could have cleaned that guy's clock that day! I was furious and hurt and scared and sad. And I cried my way through the next week and clung to Psalm 100, especially verse 3:

Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

And though all the horrible "what ifs" that I cried over never came to be, I feel a great level of gratitude for experiencing the grief of that scary time. Not so that now I can be relieved that I only have a wasted calf muscle to accommodate (I honestly really struggle with this restriction at times!), but more so for the precious reminder that my life is the Lord's. My childrens' lives are the Lord's. It is he who made us, and we are his.

And with this in mind I can:

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Reading with the girls after coming home from surgery

This time last year was a painful but powerful time in my life. It's remarkable to me that we are flying across an ocean almost exactly one year later! And in this one year there has been so much thrilling excitement and wrenching heartbreak all mixed in together. And I can testify that the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.