In All Our Ways: July 2014

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Reflecting on Loss

As I rock my newborn baby girl back to sleep after an early morning feed, my mind goes back to this day a year ago when we said good-bye to our sweet little one as I miscarried in my first trimester. There had been a healthy ultrasound on Monday, but come Friday morning there were some troubling signs and the nurse said we should come in.

I didn't need the ultrasound tech to tell me there was no heartbeat. I knew the moment I looked at the screen. And we went next door to the hospital for that final procedure. I left that hospital where I birthed 2 precious baby girls, only this time my arms were empty.

And I felt empty. Losing the baby never made me ask the "why" questions for some reason. I knew these things happen, why shouldn't they happen to me? I was just left with a deep sadness. My grief, honestly, surprised me. Oh, how I wanted to hold that baby. I still do. And for all the healing and restoration that has come through Samantha's pregnancy and birth, there's no replacement for the longing of that life. That precious one.

And my grief further surprised me in the way that - though there was this great sadness - there was also a sense of gratitude because I never felt God had left me. Indeed, He was so gentle, channeling comfort my way through my time with Him and friends and family. My sister just happened to be coming through my city the very next day. We were living with another caring family at the time and 2 weeks later we were with my parents - needless to say, I didn't have to worry much with cooking & cleaning. There was also the church service I didn't want to go to so soon after - but did, and found great comfort through other women there and freedom to grieve in worship. And, of course, I had my precious family, Robert and Ellie and Meg.

There was this undercurrent of love in the midst hardship. It doesn't make you want to throw a party, but it does anchor you in the storm. And now a year later, God has been faithful in His presence still. We'd found out on Father's Day that we were expecting and even this little detail has been a comfort to me because of the joy I remember feeling taking that test and surprising Robert with the news that he'd be a father once again.

Ellie just two days ago said, "You know, Mom, if you'd had the other baby that died, we'd have 6 people in our family... but I guess we will... when we get to heaven. We'll have 6 then!" And the innocent and matter-of-fact way that she talks about these things is beautiful to me.

And she's right. Our lives are short, and sometimes very short for the one that would have made us 6. But short or shorter, life is precious and our souls are eternal and I look forward in faith to praising our Savior together... all 6 of us.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

1 Year Down, 1 To Go!

Robert just turned in his last paper to complete his first year of study at LTS!

Woo Hoo! We're celebrating today with some burgers!

And, as a proud wife, I must say he did great (and his marks reflect this!)! He hit the books hard this year - and for a man that would always pick ultimate frisbee with students over time in the library, being in the books was not always easy. But blessing after blessing has come through this intensive time of studying the Bible and theology. It has been such a gift to be able to set aside this time in our lives to focus his attention and energy to preparing for a future in pastoral ministries.

And I feel like I am learning so much right along with him as Robert has been wise in sharing with me all he's pondering and learning. Here's an excerpt from this last paper that details some of Robert's thoughts prayers leading up to the decision to move to England:

When I first began to read for and think through this assignment, I thought of the years 2011-2012. Between the Fall of 2011 and the Spring of 2012, God was preparing my heart to be ready to move my family across the ocean to England for the purpose of Christian ministry! How did He do it? One day I randomly ordered “One Year Book of Christian History.” This book had a profound impact on my life because every day I read amazing stories about men and women throughout church history that had dedicated their lives to spreading the gospel — most of their lives were marked by extreme suffering and trials. My heart was deeply moved as I read about these suffering saints and how the Lord used them to advance the gospel. Reading these stories prepared my heart and mind to be ready for what God was going to call my family to do later that year - move to England, away from all our friends, family, a great job, and a life of comfort we had built. And through reading these stories, listening to sermons, and meditating on Scripture, I knew that committing to full-time ministry meant putting me AND my family in the path of suffering and trials in a more intense way than before. God had prepared my heart for the realism of ministry, and He also showed me His promised presence and power.

I will conclude with the main verse I have kept close to my heart through this entire transition and still do this day in preparing for my future, “And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace” (Acts 20:22-24).

We're so grateful to friends and family for their faithful prayers and support.

1 academic year down and just 1 more to go!