Reflecting on Loss

As I rock my newborn baby girl back to sleep after an early morning feed, my mind goes back to this day a year ago when we said good-bye to our sweet little one as I miscarried in my first trimester. There had been a healthy ultrasound on Monday, but come Friday morning there were some troubling signs and the nurse said we should come in.

I didn't need the ultrasound tech to tell me there was no heartbeat. I knew the moment I looked at the screen. And we went next door to the hospital for that final procedure. I left that hospital where I birthed 2 precious baby girls, only this time my arms were empty.

And I felt empty. Losing the baby never made me ask the "why" questions for some reason. I knew these things happen, why shouldn't they happen to me? I was just left with a deep sadness. My grief, honestly, surprised me. Oh, how I wanted to hold that baby. I still do. And for all the healing and restoration that has come through Samantha's pregnancy and birth, there's no replacement for the longing of that life. That precious one.

And my grief further surprised me in the way that - though there was this great sadness - there was also a sense of gratitude because I never felt God had left me. Indeed, He was so gentle, channeling comfort my way through my time with Him and friends and family. My sister just happened to be coming through my city the very next day. We were living with another caring family at the time and 2 weeks later we were with my parents - needless to say, I didn't have to worry much with cooking & cleaning. There was also the church service I didn't want to go to so soon after - but did, and found great comfort through other women there and freedom to grieve in worship. And, of course, I had my precious family, Robert and Ellie and Meg.

There was this undercurrent of love in the midst hardship. It doesn't make you want to throw a party, but it does anchor you in the storm. And now a year later, God has been faithful in His presence still. We'd found out on Father's Day that we were expecting and even this little detail has been a comfort to me because of the joy I remember feeling taking that test and surprising Robert with the news that he'd be a father once again.

Ellie just two days ago said, "You know, Mom, if you'd had the other baby that died, we'd have 6 people in our family... but I guess we will... when we get to heaven. We'll have 6 then!" And the innocent and matter-of-fact way that she talks about these things is beautiful to me.

And she's right. Our lives are short, and sometimes very short for the one that would have made us 6. But short or shorter, life is precious and our souls are eternal and I look forward in faith to praising our Savior together... all 6 of us.